A Teaser

Imma just put this here... mostly because I realize that when I post this to Facebook, this will be the thumbnail photo.

In all honestly, I would write this full post out if I could, but given I have about maybe 40+ hours to go before I need to board a plane that will take me back to the US (believe me, this is with great reluctance), I have neither the time nor the energy to give you the whole story.  However, what I can do is give you perhaps the intro to the tale of how I wound up drinking with Aoki-sensei one last time (if I have any luck in this life, hopefully just for this year).  It starts with the Center and ends with this:

The basics first: I've been back in Yokohama since Monday morning (and I mean Monday morning; I arrived by night bus before 5:00am and had to stand on the subway platform for 30+ minutes before I was able to catch a train back to my apartment where I slept until noon), and if I am to be completely truthful, the entirety of last weekend through this week has been so stressful that the only way I've found to express myself has been to breakdown crying.  Maybe it comes as a shock to people that I actually cry, but at the end of the day I am only human.  It takes a lot to get me going, and certainly the last week if not the last 2 weeks since the earthquake have been trying on my nerves and my emotions.  I had just gotten used to the idea that I wasn't going forward for a Ph.D. program when the earthquake hit, and even though I wasn't particularly affected by the earthquake itself, the aftermath has lingered with me.  I fully expect it to remain that way for quite some time if I am to be realistic, but every day I feel like I'm taking small steps toward recovery

Anyway, time and energy are running short: it is 2am here.  Skipping forward from the weekend, I came into the Center today knowing it would be my last and thought I was going to strictly take care of business.  I should have known that when Speed offered to come with that it meant I would be out until nearly midnight and now scrambling (admittedly, under the influence of whiskey) to get things in order to go to the post office first thing in the morning.  Sasuga (um, meaning "as expected of him" in Japanese).  But I was able to get myself to Starbucks this morning despite this stupid drama with my Pasmo (not worth getting into here), and thinking I'd be late, I texted Speed as such.  Turned out he was the one nearly 25 minutes late whereas I got to the Starbucks in Minato Mirai station at 10:35.  We made our way to the Center after 11:00; I was told by Dr. Baxter to expect someone to be in the Center from 11-3 every day this week, and Aoki-sensei confirmed this.  By the time we got there after 11, however, the door to our lockers and the teachers' room was locked and it seemed like only the Admins were in at that time.  I kind of feared no one was coming in, but fortunately after a half an hour or so they senseis started filtering in.  Aoki came in for a minute to talk to us, and soon after I went in to talk to Baxter-sensei about what's been going on about the future of IUC (there was a big meeting they held yesterday with the senseis here in Yokohama along with the administrative staff in Stanford).  I might elaborate on this further if I have the time, but for I know this makes a difference to a lot of people since details about this proposed e-learning are scant and unsatisfying, so 要するに:

1. Baxter-sensei assures us that there will be a 4th quarter of IUC.  As has already been stated, it will be remote/e-learning over the internets, so make sure your internet tube is polished and smooth so you can communicate easily with Japan.

2. The question is first about the technology.  They're investigating Cysco Webex (dunno about the spelling) to administer their conference calls, and from what Aoki said today, the software isn't looking to great.  However, Speed (former IT man) says that this could also be related to the fact the senseis testing out the software today were all on the same network and may have been overloading it.  Not much else I can say about this.

3. The next question is about logistics.  The students who elected for the independent study projects will be a lot easier off; since the way the projects were structured already depended on the student and their overseeing sensei to come up with a schedule, the conference calls and e-mail exchanges will be very particular to everyone's availability.  However, a class like the N1 Muke that have bigger groups of students will be a bigger task to oversee and administer technologically.  I think that's what the test was about today: to see how large the group could be, how well you can communicate and hear others, and just in general to see how possible using Cysco is.

4. When I spoke to Baxter, I also made it clear that there are students intending to return to Japan and wanted to know whether they could participate in remote learning not so remotely since they will be in the area.  To this Baxter says "no" because Indra Levy - the heretofore unknown Executive Director of IUC at Stanford - says "no."  The impression of unfairness is too great: IUC strongly recommended us to go home, and as Aoki so succinctly said, it seems like those students who disobeyed this order are some how being rewarded.  ETA (3/24): Perhaps the confusion about being in Japan and participating in remote learning comes from this section.  Maybe I was trying too hard to sound fancy in the first sentence, but what I mean by "remote learning not so remotely" ([sic] too because that should be hyphenated) is that rather than participating over the internet, those students in Japan could sit in a classroom with the sensei during the lessons.  You are still very much eligible to participate via the internet if you're in Japan; you just can't come in an expect classes to be conducted with only you and the sensei in the room while everyone else is struggling with bad connections and time gaps.  I hope this clears it up a little.  However, Aoki (don't trace this back to me please) has also pointed out that they aren't going to physically throw you out of the Center if you show up; maybe you can't be on the conference calls, but no one is really going to stop you from using the computers and facilities.  As for talking to a sensei directly, I think it will depend on the sensei.  I think it was Baxter who said to me also that if you could get with a sensei to meet with you "socially" that it would be possible to discuss your project with them that way.  

5. Though this was not said to me directly, my impression from talking to Baxter and Aoki as well as speaking to the senseis directly has been that they are really doing they can by us.  Further, it seems like the final say in all of this is not going to originate from Japan: it will come from Stanford.  So please, if you have any lingering resentment against IUC as institution, please don't hold onto it.  The senseis and admins seem truly sad that we are not around; I was asked repeatedly today if this would be the last time I would be stopping by, and sadly it was.  Seeing a familiar face for them was just as welcome to them as it was for me.  This is an extraordinary situation and they are dealing with it as best they can.  The fact that there exists a very good chance that I will not be able to directly participate in these e-learning opportunities due to the nature of my funding came as a disappointment to anyone I spoke to about it today.  

Wow, I ended up saying more than I thought I would.  I meant those to be short bullet points, but there are a lot of details to appreciate in understanding what the Center is trying to do.  I'm not sure I am the right ambassador to get this out to you, but I am trying to be as diplomatic as possible in this.  Feel free to e-mail me as you will if you have any questions about what I've said; I'd hate to be conveying any misinformation.  

After speaking to Baxter, I asked Aoki about making up for the individual evaluation for my 3rd quarter performance that I never got to have; he went away to Stanford the week before the earthquake happened and was there through that weekend into early the following week.  I was able to make an appointment with him for 4:00 after they would go into another meeting with presumably Stanford, and to also test out the Cysco software.  When I finished a few e-mails (including some last minute decisions about my living situation for the next several months), Speed and I headed out for lunch and also to run a few errands.  Along the way I picked up a bus reservation for Friday to get out to Narita (train service is spotty and DAMN do I have some big suitcases... makes me wish I weren't so high maintenance sometimes) as well as an application for the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam should I choose to take it here.  The test is only offered in Japan, but as it turned out buying a round-trip to and from Japan was cheaper than the one-way back to Seattle.  So right now I have a way to get back here... I just have to be able to afford the time it would take me to take the test and the return airfare.  I'm not sure how I'll swing it, but the opportunity is there.

Returning to the Center, I had to wait for a bit to actually get in to talk to Aoki because the meeting ran over.  My evaluation went well: no surprises.  My speaking still need a lot of improvement, but I'm better than I was when I started.  It got pretty sad towards the end, and honestly I think we were both just kind of talking because neither wanted to say "well, that's that."  But when there was nothing else to kind of jabber on about, I asked Aoki (with much pressure from Speed beforehand) if he'd be able to come out for a drink either tonight or tomorrow.  To my surprise (considering how long it took Speed to get him to come out with the first time) he didn't give any excuses, and instead went into the teacher's room to see if any other teachers would be able to come out.  Ultimately, none were able too, but they all expressed regret at not being able to come out with us.  As I was walking out, though, Aoki said that though no one else could come, he wanted to meet us after his meeting with Indra Levy for a drink if we would wait about 30 minutes.  I said we were only happy to, and left feeling pretty fucking pleased with myself.

I wandered around the Center for a little while longer, finished up some other e-mails, and wound up in the teacher's room again to grab the rest of the SKIP tests I hadn't taken (Aoki's recommendation).  When I was about to leave, however, Akizawa-sensei came over with a bottle of white wine and said "Please drink this with Speed."  I was taken aback and had no idea what to say... it was really the gesture that counted.  The senseis again said that they were unable to come, but really wanted to.  They added that I was always welcome to come back, and I stuttered some awkward statements of that I'll always be indebted or in their care (いつもお世話になっております） and thank you for everything (いろいろ、ありがとうございました） and walked out feeling some mixture of pride and confusion.  I showed Speed the bottle, at which point he decided to e-mail both Ari and Akizawa-sensei to needle them about coming out.  The Japanese he used was... very familiar and meant to be joking.  He also sent a message to Akizawa that included this very subtle  image along with the note of おねが～～～～～い：

Umm, didn't work, but nice try.  Akizawa e-mailed back that he needed to go home (tiny children, you know), and Ari-sensei came into apologize.  Yet another awkward moment for me, but it was about to get worse.

We waited for Aoki, and eventually he came in.  He said he was ready to go, but then disappeared on his cell phone, and Speed decided to go into the teachers' room to thank them for the wine and I followed.  Of course, when I realized that this was the last time in a long time that I would be going anywhere in the Center, I felt myself start to choke up.  Anyone ever notice that the metallic taste you get at the back of your throat when you're about to cry is about the same as when you're ready to throw up?  No?  Maybe it's just me, but the two feelings are very similar.  I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I was going to cry. 

And I did.  I tried to thank everyone again, but when I looked people in the eye and felt that metallic ball of distress rise up in my throat, I knew I was done for.  Tears started (I haven't worn mascara in about a week because that's a mess I don't want to deal with... believe me, not wearing mascara is a hit to my vanity), and Speed seemed like he had no idea what to do with me.  Fair enough.  Akizawa tried to make some jokes (can't remember them) and some of the other senseis' looked on sympathetically, but helplessly.  I again tried to tell them how much the experience had meant, but I think they all came out as choked half-syllables.  Ah well, again I am only human and this has been an emotionally devastating week for me.  Hopefully they realize that with my demeanor and the general way I carry myself that tears only come at the most sincere of times.  Speed and I awkwardly bowed out of the room when Aoki came back, and made our way out the door.  If I am to be truthful, I am feeling choked up right now writing this, but have enough of a handle on myself to keep the tears from really coming.  As I told Speed later, it's been hard in this last week to keep control of myself and that awkward (but honest) show of emotion at the Center could have been a LOT worse.  Had it been 2 or 3 days ago... I don't want to conjecture.

So off we went with Aoki for いっぱい (one drink)...

And that's where I leave you.  Peace, kids!  I'll finish when I can, but that will likely be from my makeshift desk in Seattle.