The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I puke in your general direction

There are only about 2 weeks to go until Halloween and this year more than ever I have absolutely no idea what to be. Well, that's not true, I just have no realistic concepts for costumes, and considering my limited access to clothes that might fit (i.e. I'm pretty I wore larger sizes as a 10-year-old than most stores in Japan sell), I feel fresh out of creativity in coming up with an ingenious solution. And the biggest problem of course is the fact I have nowhere to go (I've heard that the Halloween party car on the Yamanote-sen has been closed down, but that never looked like it was very much fun anyway), but I'm not worrying about that right now.

However, that doesn't mean I can't make a dream list! I love lists! If there's ever a website link that is like "Top 10 Best..." "Top 20 Worst..." I can't resist no matter how stupid the topic or arbitrary the criteria in creating it. Since I'm so anal retentively Type A, having everything neatly put together in an easily referenced compilation greatly appeals to me (by the by, could I have put more adverbs in that sentence? I've been having trouble writing in English today; you should've seen the convoluted e-mails I sent earlier. It felt like I was wringing my brain out like a wet towel to get what I wanted from it).

My one overriding rule is never to play along with the whole Slutoween phenomenon because that is just too easy. Sexy cat, sexy bride, sexy APEC (?), you've all heard the jokes before and I don't think I could outdo Mean Girls in this department.

I'm a mouse, duh.

I think it's just boring, and if anything, in recent years I've enjoyed taking on costumes that require getting into character. To wit, here's me last year as Kayne West. I ran around with a bottle of Hennessey all night interrupting people and generally being an asshole. Some of you know how this ended.

The bus driver didn't know I was a girl until I started talking. I thought the lack of chest hair would've given it away. Though clearly I couldn't quite shake the Asian double peace sign when taking photos.

So bearing this in mind, I give you my list of costumes. Some of these I've wanted to do for years and others I thought of on the fly. Suggestions are more than welcome.

Idea #1: 円高 (The High Yen)
This cartoon makes me want to cry

Concept: Basically I'd go as myself in about 2 weeks since with the yen at about 82 to the dollar (I miss that 1:100 ratio... I can't do math and moving a decimal made it so easy!), I'm going to be broke by the time Halloween rolls around. The ensuing budgeting cutting will reduce my food intake (the gaunter the better, though I don't think I could ever be gaunt because I love carbs too much), the wear and tear in my clothes will increase because I won't be able to afford new laundry detergent to do the wash, and hey, I could just sleep in the gutter for a couple of nights for extra effect.

I also just had the idea that a friend and I could wear corresponding "円" and "$" t-shirts and just fight all night. Ultimately, it will just end with both of us just crying in a corner because we both lose in this battle.

Feasibility: 10 This is as easy as it gets.

Likelihood: 1 I'd like to try a little harder than this. NEXT!

Idea #2: Cousin Itt

Concept: Cousin Itt has a lot of hair. I have a lot of hair. It'll be an excuse not to communicate the entire night and just squeak at people.

Feasibility: 3 I may have the thickness, but my hair is not going to grow down to my feet in 2 weeks.

Likelihood: 2 As evidenced by the above, I've already done this. Time to move onto bigger and better things.

Idea #3: Agent Scully

Concept: What can I add, I want to be the ballsiest FBI agent. I'm a long-time X-Files fan and being Dana Scully would cause me to fangirl squee every time I looked in the mirror. I could cock a skeptical eyebrow at everyone all night long, conduct unnecessary autopsies, and at the end of the night when I've had enough to drink, get a tramp stamp of the Ouroboros with some stranger whose ergot-inked tattoo voiced by Jodie Foster is instructing him to kill me. Extra points if I could create awkward sexual tension with a dude who looks like Agent Mulder.

Feasibility: 6.5 I may or may not have bought a black suit and green top because I was inspired by Scully's outfit in the episode "all things." I consider it my go-to outfit when I have an interview or presentation. You can stop laughing now. I'd also need to make a badge, find a black water pistol, flashlight and giant-ass 90's style cell phone, and buy a short red wig. Extra points if I can recruit someone to be Agent Mulder, but I've only met a couple of people as big a fan of this show as I am and the more Chris Carter creates shitty X-Files movies, the more the numbers dwindle.

Likelihood: 7 Actually, I may have to think about this; it must just be the year...

Idea 4: Miss Hannigan
Bringin' the class

Concept: C'mon, this woman was a train wreck. How much fun would it be to throw myself from couch to couch, concoct evil schemes against little girls, and slur my way through every sentence. Plus, it would give me an excuse to break out into song:



She's also ill-tempered (like me!), she hates children (like me!), and she drinks like a fish (like me!). Couldn't be a better match.

Feasibility: 4 I don't know where I am going to get the clothes for this, but man it would be fun to do that drag queen make-up and I wouldn't have to worry about it being smeared all over my face at the end of the night because that's the point: to look like a total mess.

Likelihood: 3 Maybe next year.

Idea #5: The Giant White Suit

Concept: Here's another costume I've wanted to do for awhile because it just looks like so much fun. Dancing around in a giant white suit all night long? And if you couldn't guess, I'm a giant Talking Heads fan and if I insist someone play at least some of their music, everyone will be dancing with me. Tell me you don't want to move like David Byrne:



Feasibility: 2 Yeah, where am I going to get this suit? Plus, I'm not a particularly good dancer (I'm white and Asian, I was doomed before I came out of the womb), but I like to pretend I am.

Likelihood: 1 Oh if only.

Idea # 6: Joan Collins aka The Baddest Bitch

Concept: This is an idea that came to me recently, and I swear this would be so much fun. Dynasty-era Joan Collins is the HBIC before anyone even knew what that meant and no one has ever been able to match-up to her ability to stir shit up, start cat fights and judge everyone who crossed her path. Giant hair, giant shoulder pads, giant slits and a giant ego... and I would get to live out my dream: throwing a drink in someone's face. If anyone has the gall to ask me who I am dressed as, they're getting a face full of my solo cup.

Feasibility: 2 It's a problem of finding the costume (in Seattle this would be no problem because the thrift stores are awash with 80s excess), and also I'm not sure I'm worthy of even trying to imitate the baddest of all bitches. I am an adorable, fluffy puppy in comparison.

Likelihood: 1 Give me a few years to sharpen my claws and I am going to take this on.

Idea #7: I Can Fetishize Me But You Can't
In Every Dream Home A Heartache

Concept: This is my favorite album cover of all time (Roxy Music's For Your Pleasure for the curious) and I just find it fascinating. As portrayed by the fierce Amanda Lear (who is also a half - represent! - but who also unfortunately looks like a victim of too much plastic surgery these days), here's a woman so fetishized and yet so in control of the picture that you know exactly who would be in charge if you were ever to tangle with her. Well, that and she's got a fucking jaguar on a leash. I just think it would be hilarious to wear a black latex dress, massive heels and carry around a stuffed jaguar all night. Of course, I'd probably be the only one who gets the reference and everyone else would think I was a nutty slut.

Feasibility: -5 How the hell does she get her body like that? How can your skin even breathe in something that tight? I just don't understand?!

Likelihood: -20, as in if I lost 20 pounds and gained the proverbial balls to wear this.

Idea #8: The Kelly

Concept: I had this idea last year to go as my ex-okusan Kelly (curse you Chuck!!!! Also, Kelly, stop trying to bite off my fingers) because she wasn't able to go to our J-Studies Halloween party. I also just wanted to threaten everyone with violence and show everyone how it's really done.

Feasibility: 0 It could've worked last year because I could borrow her clothes, but seeing as though she's in Seattle... plus only a rarefied number of people are going to get this costume if I do it here.

Likelihood: See above. Though you know, I could also go as Cai (featured left)...

See, he approves! Hipsters in Japan: The Musical!


And that's all I've got. Thoughts?