End of the Line

I guess the important thing at this point is that I am safe in Nagoya, but right now I feel like I've been dealt such a blow the only thing I can think to do is lose myself in the bottom of a bottle.  I realize that my problems also severely pale in comparison to what is happening out in Miyagi and Fukushima, but right now I can't be of any use to anyone until I sort my life out.

IUC's been "suspended" (their word) for the rest of the year in compliance with the State Department's travel warning shift from "alert" to "warning."  I woke up this morning- er afternoon feeling pretty well rested after sleeping for about 12 hours (sleeping with my feet where my head should be had kind of thrown off my sleeping patterns in Yokohama) and after reading a little Sherlock Holmes decided to check my email.  I really was not prepared AT ALL for the influx of e-mails from IUC and the UW Study Abroad office, first telling me that IUC is done in Yokohama, and then that UW is recalling all students from Japan (my funding hinges on my continued enrollment, hence why I have not yet graduated from a 2-year Master's program after nearly 3).  They can't physically force me out, but they can certainly apply pressure by pulling my funding, which seems very likely; I'll be considered unaffiliated with the University if I choose to stay, and moreoever there will be no coursework for me to fulfill here as per my obligations for FLAS.  I pretty much have no choice but to go back to the States and that has me really, really depressed.

It should come as a surprise to no one that I do not do emotion very well, and right now I am in upheaval.  I'm angry, upset, frustrated, and most of all, feeling powerless.  My host mom was saying earlier that the song "Che sara" should be of some comfort and that I should let things fall as they may, but I am not a fatalist.  I can't just let things happen: I have to feel like I'm MAKING them happen.  I haven't led the most difficult life, but I've had to struggle for what I've got.  I'm not used to doing anything without a fight and the thought that I should just accept what comes my way throws me into a frenzy.  But feelings of utter powerlessness are the worst and right now I can't feel anything but that.  I originally opened this browser tab to look up buses back to Yokohama and investigate plane fares, but I still don't know what I'm doing and decided to publicize my feelings over the web instead.

And above all else, my time in Japan has been cut short.  When I was first here 5 years ago, I remember feeling cheated that I was only in the country for 4 months.  IUC gave me a chance to more than double that, and believe me, I had to fight my way in here too.  I originally turned down my first chance to come here in 2009 for a number of reasons, and if I'm going to be honest, I pretty much entered grad school in order to attend IUC.  I saw IUC as my only chance to come back to Japan not as a teacher of English and planned my future that way.  Further, I basically had to throw down with the former FLAS coordinator to secure funding for this year, on top of that Blakemore disappointment that made FLAS my last resort.  And it's really been worth it; the teachers were great, I made a lot of friends amongst the students, and my Japanese got better by leaps and bounds.  I have so much yet to learn!  I can't go back! 

There's also a list of things I haven't done yet in Japan!  I just can't believe this is over...

1. Seen Japanese sakura and does a proper Japanes hanami (i.e. get drunker than I was at UW hanamis).

2. Gone to Osaka and explored the Kansai area (i.e. eat EVERYTHING)

3. Gone to Hokkaido

4. Gone to Korea (yeah, not in Japan, but SO FUCKING CLOSE)

5. Experienced Golden Week in May (i.e. not go to class for a week)

6. Taken the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam (if I ever had a chance at passing the top level, it was right after IUC and the July JLPT is only offered in Japan)

7. More nomikais with senseis!!!

8. Said good-bye to everyone...

For now, IUC is exploring options to either reopen somewhere in the States (I assume Stanford, as their office administers the program), or to do some kind of remote learning, which honestly sounds like a whole lot of BS.  Maybe they can pull off the US IUC (I have doubts as I always do about whether they can pull it off and whether I can patricipate), but remote learning?  What the hell is that?  In any case, my most likely course of action is to follow my FLAS funding back to UW.  I am hoping I don't have to fight anyone in the process of re-enrolling, but I really really hate the idea of going back to academia.  I was saving this for another post, but I found out awhile back that I did not get into any of the Ph.D. programs I applied to and that I've been summarily kicked out of the ivory tower.  And I have come to live with that.  The fact that right now the thought of writing another research paper makes me want to puke attests to the fact that academia and I were not a marriage made in heaven.  A job, a livelihood, and a LIFE sound fantastic to me right now... but IUC and finishing my Japanese language training was a huge part of that.  And now you're telling me I have to go back on my knees to academia just to squeeze out a little more money (and INSURANCE, FUCK YOU AMERICA) to really just buy myself more time to find a job?  I spit on your grave.

I don't know what's going to happen here on out.  I am not usually a dramatic person, but what else am I going to do?  Until I have more information (and get responses to the ton of e-mails I sent out today), my hands are completely tied.  Che sara, sara.

To me at this point, "Che sara" may as well translate to a "Fuck youuuu, Mariko!  Good luck!"