I realize it's been quite some time since I posted anything. First I thought what I was writing wasn't very interesting and hit the "refresh" button so as to take a little break. For awhile I still couldn't think of anything to write anyway so figured I'd just stay quiet for a little while longer. Then I got used to not writing and though I have a bunch of pictures, stories and thoughts worth sharing here, I kept saying to myself "ehhh, I'll do it tomorrow." It's been hard for me to try to figure out what to do with this blog now that I'm back in the States; if you haven't noticed, the title hasn't changed because I can't think of anything I like, and I'm just not convinced that there's anything special in writing about my what I'm doing here in Seattle. There's no unique value-added in any of this; I'm going back to all my same bars and hang-outs (it's kind of embarrassing how many of them still recognize me), and doing a lot of the same things that I did for 2 years previous to this. So perhaps this isn't a matter of making this interesting for you guys, but rather making it interesting to write about for myself.
But anyway, I hit kind of a lull in writing (I think it's been about a month maybe?), and then last week happened. I already tried to write a post about everything that happened with my dog Rollie, but getting into the details just made me sit and cry and I couldn't really finish. It was quite pathetic and the post itself wasn't well written because I couldn't collect my thoughts on the subject. I've never been good in dealing with death; usually I just clam up and the only self-expression I do is through my eyes. For someone as consumed with finding meaning and forcing closure where I can, the finality of death ironically makes me feel ill and evasive. Aside from the fact I loved my dog dearly and the grieving process has been a particularly difficult one, there's something deeper at work here (thanks, Brandon, now all I can hear is you-as-Dr.Arai, "I think there's something more going on here" playing on loop in my head) that I dare not define. Sitting and thinking about it just makes me upset. Maybe at some point I will be able to figure it out, but at this point I think it's better I just leave it alone and at the very least accept the fact that every time I go home from now on there won't be a loud chocolate lab at the door thinking OMIGODOMIGODOMIGODYOU'REHOMEYOU'REHOMEIHAVEN'TSEENYOUINFOREVERIMISSEDYOUDIDYOUMISSME?! while he slobbers all over my face and then in the next forgets that I was ever even gone.
I realize that my obsession for dogs comes off as a bit of a joke; I find the most ridiculous dog and puppy video and post them to Facebook, I squee over dogs I see in the street, and I get stupidly excited whenever I get a chance to talk about dogs in daily conversation. Please believe me when I say it all comes from a genuine place. It has been tough for me for the past couple of years living without a dog because I've gotten so used to having one around. You're never lonely if you have a dog. They are a source of constant companionship. But right now as I think about Rollie, I really do feel alone in a lot of ways. I just miss him so much. And you can laugh at me all you want for how much his passing as affected me; if you've never loved
an animal not as a pet but as a family member, you'll never understand.
I can't write any more about this; I've started crying again. I was doing the math the other day and between Japan and now Rollie, I have done more crying in the past 2 months than I have in the last 10-15 years combined. Take from that what you will. But suffice it to say that now that I've gotten this post out of my system (I couldn't not say anything about my pookie), I will try to write more. I can see from my hit counter that people have recently been poking around on my blog wondering if maybe I had written a new post and not put it on Facebook. I think my blog is reflecting the fact that I am currently in a situation of flux, trying to figure out what to do with myself from here on out. I'm usually pretty good about change, but recently it's all gotten to be too much.
Before I go, I leave you with this quote from Milan Kundera. There is a whole section about *SPOILER ALERT* the death of Karenin in The Unbearable Lightness of Being where Kundera gets into the purity of love for an animal, but unfortunately my copy of the book has gone missing. A victim of change it seems. But I think this quote captures what a lot of animal lovers feel about their pets.
I realize that my obsession for dogs comes off as a bit of a joke; I find the most ridiculous dog and puppy video and post them to Facebook, I squee over dogs I see in the street, and I get stupidly excited whenever I get a chance to talk about dogs in daily conversation. Please believe me when I say it all comes from a genuine place. It has been tough for me for the past couple of years living without a dog because I've gotten so used to having one around. You're never lonely if you have a dog. They are a source of constant companionship. But right now as I think about Rollie, I really do feel alone in a lot of ways. I just miss him so much. And you can laugh at me all you want for how much his passing as affected me; if you've never loved
an animal not as a pet but as a family member, you'll never understand.
I can't write any more about this; I've started crying again. I was doing the math the other day and between Japan and now Rollie, I have done more crying in the past 2 months than I have in the last 10-15 years combined. Take from that what you will. But suffice it to say that now that I've gotten this post out of my system (I couldn't not say anything about my pookie), I will try to write more. I can see from my hit counter that people have recently been poking around on my blog wondering if maybe I had written a new post and not put it on Facebook. I think my blog is reflecting the fact that I am currently in a situation of flux, trying to figure out what to do with myself from here on out. I'm usually pretty good about change, but recently it's all gotten to be too much.
Before I go, I leave you with this quote from Milan Kundera. There is a whole section about *SPOILER ALERT* the death of Karenin in The Unbearable Lightness of Being where Kundera gets into the purity of love for an animal, but unfortunately my copy of the book has gone missing. A victim of change it seems. But I think this quote captures what a lot of animal lovers feel about their pets.
Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring — it was peace.
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