In an interview, the first question asked by the "decision-maker" (i.e. Regional Director with the final say in employment) was as follows:
"After reading your cover letter, I got the impression that you are a confident person. Do you think of yourself as a confident person?"
My initial response was to take that as a compliment; I've worked hard over the years to first develop and then project self-confidence and it was reassuring to hear that I was finally making that impression. And especially since it was through my cover letter: in person it is hard enough to appear composed and self-assertive, but getting that across on paper has always eluded me. I've had it said to me on multiple occasions that I look fine on paper, but in person I am much more effective.
But that sense of pride flashed for a fraction of a second because I immediately afterward considered the source of the question: a Japanese male middle-aged, middle manager of what is essentially an arm of the bureaucracy. Then I considered myself: an Asian American female of child-bearing age. Do you see what I'm getting at? My education, job experience and skills pretty much mean nothing when it looks like you should be popping out kids at any second. What does "confidence" equate to in a woman anyway? Where I think if this question were posed in this same context to a male it means competent, capable and productive, for me and my ovaries it likely spells out troublesome, shrill and overbearing. A confident man is someone you want on your team. A confident female is one that will never fit.
When I think about it, there are so many forces at play in just that one question: there's the gendered aspect, which is the main point of this post. There's also a racial component - what do you get when you have some combination of Americans and Japanese in an interview?! - but I'm not even going to touch that one. Edit to add: I watched a video today on what it is to be a dark-skinned woman on Jezebel that does a lot better job to demonstrating racial (and gender) politics than I ever could:
Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.
Seriously, that little girl deciding between smart/dumb, pretty/ugly based on skin color breaks my heart. What kind of fucked up society do we live in that a 3 or 4-year-old learns she's ugly and stupid based solely on skin color?
I'm much better at gender dynamics, and though I understand how race plays into my gender, isolating race as a variable is not something at which I'd be very effective. In any case, what is clear to me is that the interviewer had judged me even before I had stepped into the conference room; he would easily have recognized my name as that of a Japanese female and the fact that his first question to me was about "confidence" says it all. When you take a step back and consider that was the first thing he wanted to know about, it sounds kind of bizarre does it not? I mean, a few minutes later I had to make a self-introduction: wouldn't that have made sense to do first? In retrospect, I see now that I was fighting a losing battle from the get-go.
And perhaps if that's the atmosphere of the office, I'm better off not working there. I don't know who ultimately got the job and why I didn't. It is of constant frustration to me that employers will not give you very helpful feedback after an interview; if you ask, they generally give you a line about "stiff competition" and having a "wide variety of candidates to choose from" and little else. You're not protecting my feelings and I don't need you to anyway. But in the long-run, even if they did give you a blunt reason as to why they didn't select you, I doubt very much in this day and age anyone will ever point race or gender as a reason. But I think very much that these two factors in addition to others if revealed (say, sexual orientation for example) play into how you are evaluated as a job seeker. As it stands, however, I will never know how much and it's not like there's much I can do about my face or my body: I will always appear Asian, and excuse me for having hips.
And for bringing any of this up, I can already hear some people saying that I'm being too sensitive, or playing the race card, or refusing to accept that there's actually something I can do to make myself a better candidate. To this I say: I understand where you're coming from, but no. That's not at all how I function; the point is that I would rather not make an issue of my race or gender at all at any point, but that is not the world in which we live. I think of the conversations I have with friends that deal with gendered or racial issues, and some of the things people say without even realizing it astounds me. One friend (I'm not going to say who, but I have a feeling you're reading this and will likely recognize yourself) was talking about an ex and said, "yeah, but now she's gotten fat and ugly." I took umbrage to this, stating that no matter how successful or happy you are as a woman, the assumption is that you can immediately be taken down a peg by being called "fat and ugly." Another one of our friends turned to me and said, "yeah, but Mariko, I can assure you you are neither fat nor ugly." I understand the sentiment somewhat, but honestly I'm not sure of how I can be flattered by that comment at all. My response was, "honestly, I'd trade all of that for success and a life."
I have a feeling many people are going to see a problem with what was said above. "It's just a joke! Can't you take a joke?" "This is just how guys talk!" "Stop taking things so seriously." I don't want to count the number of times someone has said that to me, and I haven't gotten any better at not being angry when I hear it. Yes I can take a joke! Half of the things I say during the day are meant to be light-hearted ribbing, self-deprecation or wisecracks. I've taken just as many shots as I've dealt out. Even as I am writing this, I am taking care not to sound too too serious because I can easily be brushed off with, "oh she's just bitter," or "oh she must be eating Fritos and getting fat in front of her computer" (the second statement is very true at the moment, but you'll never get me to feel bad about this bag of Fritos. My decision to buy them was one of the best I've made all week). Anyway, I can think of a 1,000,001 examples like this, but I'll spare you details.
It's latent sexism that I find myself railing the most about. Of course, there remain certain parts of the world and even certain parts of our country where blatant sexism is the norm, but at least in the places that I've spent a considerable amount of time - where kids are taught from a young age that SEXISM IS BAD without any real appreciation for what that means - you can't get away with anything like that. Well, I'm excepting my father from this discussion because that is a whole other issue that I'm not going to get into right now. But suffice it to say that the way I feel is that there are some preconceptions and gendered assumptions that are so embedded in our culture (and others) that any notion of feminism or a hollow declaration of "equality" can't hope to uproot in just 50 years of existence. The same way that any argument I try to bring up with males about their latent sexism has been easily dismissed as "taking things too seriously," "can't take a joke" or not understanding that "this is just how guys are," can be flipped around to assert that I am a woman who takes myself "too seriously," and doesn't know what it is to be in "the real [read: man's] world."
Gender politics are everywhere, but I think that in the same way we want to assert that we've broken the glass ceiling and equality is contagious, it also makes it taboo for people to bring up the fact that this isn't true. The general attitude I sense is "we solved this problem already! Stop beating a dead horse! You're just making excuses." And honestly, from a statement like that, you're the one making excuses. The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that those ideals we Americans hold so dear are actually cannily deceptive. Catchphrases like the "Land of Opportunity" or "Equality" or "Freedom"society shift responsibility onto the participants: we leveled the playing field! If you can't get ahead, that's your fault! I mean, I'm only talking about race and gender here. Let's not even talk about class in America because no American wants to hear we live in a stratified society (and oh boy do we ever). We spent a lot of time in my graduate classes deconstructing "myths" about Japan (homogeneity, the cult of sacrosanctness around the Emperor, etc etc), and now I'm finding it curious that we never bothered to do it about our own culture. Because "Equality" I think very much qualifies as a myth in American culture. Huh. Anyway, I'm going to throw some graphs at you now just because I can:
I include this one because I started talking about class, and also as kind of a joke for any IUC'ers who might still be reading. Many thanks to Chris for introducing this map displaying the GINI Coefficient to our mini-mini happyoukai's in Aoki's morning class. Basically it shows income/wealth inequality distribution worldwide. If America were truly equal, we should be at least blue if not full on green, but no. We are purple. You know who else is purple on this map? China. You know who is in the blue and green aside from the obvious Scandinanvian countries: Russia, Iran, India, Egypt, Algeria, Mongolia, Pakistan... the list is huge. Equality what? Makes for a good story though. Also, poll time at the top of the page!
And here we have the female-male wage gap. Color me unimpressed. If society were equal (at least in terms of gender - again race is a completely separate issue), then the ends of all 3 of these data lines would be at 100% and I wouldn't be able to say a thing. And this doesn't even differentiate by field; though there are more women than men who attend college now, there are still less female scientists, engineers, researchers, professors, CEOs, senior managers and the like as compared to their male counterparts. And we make less money. I dare you to tell me that this is fair.
But you know, all the stats I'm throwing at you are all relevant to me after I get a job. I haven't even gotten to that stage yet. And yes, I realize I'm only just getting into my job search, but keep in mind that there was an 8-9 month stretch between 2007 and 2008 where I was applying and interviewing every fucking day and in the end the best I could do was land a temp job. Turned out the temp job was a very good gig and I left it to go to graduate school (jury's still out on whether that was a good decision), but I'm fully expecting the same kind of fight to get a job (any job) right now. Why? Honestly, I can't pinpoint a reason why. Like everything else in life, it's a combination of factors, but in that mix I guarantee you are race and gender. But no one will ever say that. And I very much doubt any of you will agree with me unless you are a minority or a female.
Hm, I had intended this post to be about my frustrations with a job search and I was going to get into how there should be a class that teaches networking for misanthropists such as myself. I was talking to Brittain earlier this week (actually, we ended up having this same conversation again today) and we decided that my tagline should be "Mariko: just doesn't like people enough." Talking to people and giving a crap about what they have to say is exhausting! C'mon now! I can't be the only one who thinks that. I'm attending a networking event in a couple of weeks and I get stressed out thinking about it; schmoozing is just not my forte because my MO is to cut through the bullshit and get right to the point. But this post has gone on long enough and I've dug enough of a hole as it is. Let me just sum up in saying that job searching is in and of itself a frustrating process. In a rancid economy like this, it's even worse. I realize that this post may come off as an angry rant - and in its own way, it is - but hopefully if this is something you've never considered I've given you some food for thought. And if it is, let's go grab some torches and pitchforks and get mad at stuff.
Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.
Seriously, that little girl deciding between smart/dumb, pretty/ugly based on skin color breaks my heart. What kind of fucked up society do we live in that a 3 or 4-year-old learns she's ugly and stupid based solely on skin color?
I'm much better at gender dynamics, and though I understand how race plays into my gender, isolating race as a variable is not something at which I'd be very effective. In any case, what is clear to me is that the interviewer had judged me even before I had stepped into the conference room; he would easily have recognized my name as that of a Japanese female and the fact that his first question to me was about "confidence" says it all. When you take a step back and consider that was the first thing he wanted to know about, it sounds kind of bizarre does it not? I mean, a few minutes later I had to make a self-introduction: wouldn't that have made sense to do first? In retrospect, I see now that I was fighting a losing battle from the get-go.
And perhaps if that's the atmosphere of the office, I'm better off not working there. I don't know who ultimately got the job and why I didn't. It is of constant frustration to me that employers will not give you very helpful feedback after an interview; if you ask, they generally give you a line about "stiff competition" and having a "wide variety of candidates to choose from" and little else. You're not protecting my feelings and I don't need you to anyway. But in the long-run, even if they did give you a blunt reason as to why they didn't select you, I doubt very much in this day and age anyone will ever point race or gender as a reason. But I think very much that these two factors in addition to others if revealed (say, sexual orientation for example) play into how you are evaluated as a job seeker. As it stands, however, I will never know how much and it's not like there's much I can do about my face or my body: I will always appear Asian, and excuse me for having hips.
And for bringing any of this up, I can already hear some people saying that I'm being too sensitive, or playing the race card, or refusing to accept that there's actually something I can do to make myself a better candidate. To this I say: I understand where you're coming from, but no. That's not at all how I function; the point is that I would rather not make an issue of my race or gender at all at any point, but that is not the world in which we live. I think of the conversations I have with friends that deal with gendered or racial issues, and some of the things people say without even realizing it astounds me. One friend (I'm not going to say who, but I have a feeling you're reading this and will likely recognize yourself) was talking about an ex and said, "yeah, but now she's gotten fat and ugly." I took umbrage to this, stating that no matter how successful or happy you are as a woman, the assumption is that you can immediately be taken down a peg by being called "fat and ugly." Another one of our friends turned to me and said, "yeah, but Mariko, I can assure you you are neither fat nor ugly." I understand the sentiment somewhat, but honestly I'm not sure of how I can be flattered by that comment at all. My response was, "honestly, I'd trade all of that for success and a life."
I have a feeling many people are going to see a problem with what was said above. "It's just a joke! Can't you take a joke?" "This is just how guys talk!" "Stop taking things so seriously." I don't want to count the number of times someone has said that to me, and I haven't gotten any better at not being angry when I hear it. Yes I can take a joke! Half of the things I say during the day are meant to be light-hearted ribbing, self-deprecation or wisecracks. I've taken just as many shots as I've dealt out. Even as I am writing this, I am taking care not to sound too too serious because I can easily be brushed off with, "oh she's just bitter," or "oh she must be eating Fritos and getting fat in front of her computer" (the second statement is very true at the moment, but you'll never get me to feel bad about this bag of Fritos. My decision to buy them was one of the best I've made all week). Anyway, I can think of a 1,000,001 examples like this, but I'll spare you details.
It's latent sexism that I find myself railing the most about. Of course, there remain certain parts of the world and even certain parts of our country where blatant sexism is the norm, but at least in the places that I've spent a considerable amount of time - where kids are taught from a young age that SEXISM IS BAD without any real appreciation for what that means - you can't get away with anything like that. Well, I'm excepting my father from this discussion because that is a whole other issue that I'm not going to get into right now. But suffice it to say that the way I feel is that there are some preconceptions and gendered assumptions that are so embedded in our culture (and others) that any notion of feminism or a hollow declaration of "equality" can't hope to uproot in just 50 years of existence. The same way that any argument I try to bring up with males about their latent sexism has been easily dismissed as "taking things too seriously," "can't take a joke" or not understanding that "this is just how guys are," can be flipped around to assert that I am a woman who takes myself "too seriously," and doesn't know what it is to be in "the real [read: man's] world."
Gender politics are everywhere, but I think that in the same way we want to assert that we've broken the glass ceiling and equality is contagious, it also makes it taboo for people to bring up the fact that this isn't true. The general attitude I sense is "we solved this problem already! Stop beating a dead horse! You're just making excuses." And honestly, from a statement like that, you're the one making excuses. The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that those ideals we Americans hold so dear are actually cannily deceptive. Catchphrases like the "Land of Opportunity" or "Equality" or "Freedom"society shift responsibility onto the participants: we leveled the playing field! If you can't get ahead, that's your fault! I mean, I'm only talking about race and gender here. Let's not even talk about class in America because no American wants to hear we live in a stratified society (and oh boy do we ever). We spent a lot of time in my graduate classes deconstructing "myths" about Japan (homogeneity, the cult of sacrosanctness around the Emperor, etc etc), and now I'm finding it curious that we never bothered to do it about our own culture. Because "Equality" I think very much qualifies as a myth in American culture. Huh. Anyway, I'm going to throw some graphs at you now just because I can:
I include this one because I started talking about class, and also as kind of a joke for any IUC'ers who might still be reading. Many thanks to Chris for introducing this map displaying the GINI Coefficient to our mini-mini happyoukai's in Aoki's morning class. Basically it shows income/wealth inequality distribution worldwide. If America were truly equal, we should be at least blue if not full on green, but no. We are purple. You know who else is purple on this map? China. You know who is in the blue and green aside from the obvious Scandinanvian countries: Russia, Iran, India, Egypt, Algeria, Mongolia, Pakistan... the list is huge. Equality what? Makes for a good story though. Also, poll time at the top of the page!
Source: http://www.bls.gov/opub/ted/2010/ted_20100708.htm
But you know, all the stats I'm throwing at you are all relevant to me after I get a job. I haven't even gotten to that stage yet. And yes, I realize I'm only just getting into my job search, but keep in mind that there was an 8-9 month stretch between 2007 and 2008 where I was applying and interviewing every fucking day and in the end the best I could do was land a temp job. Turned out the temp job was a very good gig and I left it to go to graduate school (jury's still out on whether that was a good decision), but I'm fully expecting the same kind of fight to get a job (any job) right now. Why? Honestly, I can't pinpoint a reason why. Like everything else in life, it's a combination of factors, but in that mix I guarantee you are race and gender. But no one will ever say that. And I very much doubt any of you will agree with me unless you are a minority or a female.
Hm, I had intended this post to be about my frustrations with a job search and I was going to get into how there should be a class that teaches networking for misanthropists such as myself. I was talking to Brittain earlier this week (actually, we ended up having this same conversation again today) and we decided that my tagline should be "Mariko: just doesn't like people enough." Talking to people and giving a crap about what they have to say is exhausting! C'mon now! I can't be the only one who thinks that. I'm attending a networking event in a couple of weeks and I get stressed out thinking about it; schmoozing is just not my forte because my MO is to cut through the bullshit and get right to the point. But this post has gone on long enough and I've dug enough of a hole as it is. Let me just sum up in saying that job searching is in and of itself a frustrating process. In a rancid economy like this, it's even worse. I realize that this post may come off as an angry rant - and in its own way, it is - but hopefully if this is something you've never considered I've given you some food for thought. And if it is, let's go grab some torches and pitchforks and get mad at stuff.
No comments:
Post a Comment