Choco Mountain

That no-guardrail turn around the mountain before the finish line is a bitch.

My personal favorite holidays are the ones that come after the holidays themselves because of SALES, more specifically CANDY SALES.  You better believe that after Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Saint Patrick's Day and the like my apartment is full of holiday-themed items that are 50%+ off because somehow expert marketing has taught us that mint green foil or plastic bat-decorated bat wrappings somehow makes what's inside any less delicious.  And since here in Japan I can't partake in this most sacred of events (WHY JAPAN WHY??), and because yesterday was Valentine's Day (P.S. I was really picky about which people I gave giri chocos* to because I planned on eating at least half the bag myself.  Please act a little bit surprised), I present to you (in no specific order because it would be like picking my favorite in a basket full of puppies) my favorite chocolates of all time.

*To those unfamiliar with the way the Japanese celebrate Valentine's Day, think of our Valentine's Day at home and commercialize it by 10x.  It's kind of like how they do Christmas here too.  The way it works is that women give chocolates to men on Valentine's Day.  There are two types of chocolates given that day.  First are giri chocos, or obligatory chocolates you give to your male coworkers, bosses, and the like.  I'm not sure how Japanese women actually do it (I was a cheap bastard yesterday and didn't care), but these are fairly ordinary chocolates that you're giving because you have to, not really because you want to.  And  the other kind are honmei chocos; my dictionary defines "honmei" as "favorite" or "dead certainty," but I think of them more as "true" chocolates.  These are the really nice chocolates that women spend hours decorating and wrapping to give to their significant other or the object of their affection.  You can confess your love for someone in this fashion.  As a companion to Valentine's Day, there's White Day which comes on March 14th where men are supposed to return chocolates to the women they got them from on Valentine's Day.  It's also said men are supposed to sanbai or multiply the value of the chocolates they received by 3.  I'll let you know if anyone actually does that in a month (not holding my breath).  I'm also told in Korea there is Black Day on April 14th for singles who didn't celebrate either holiday.  They get together and eat janjangmyeon, or noddles with black bean sauce.  Dude, that sounds awesome!  I love janjangmyeon!

Now, I have met a fair number of people in my time who claim to HATE chocolate in all its forms and for the life of me, I don't know what the hell is wrong with them.  It just makes absolutely no sense to me.  I was probably telling my mom to eat chocolate from the womb.  I'm also not terribly picky about the chocolate I eat, though just plain Hershey's bars are like eating chocolately wax.  However, as you'll see from this list, there aren't that many classy selections on here (I'm poor and I kind of like things low-brow), but just writing this list and stealing images of Google is kind of killing me...

Meiji Chocolate Almonds

I guess I'll start with the country I'm in, huh.  There's a lot of chocolate to be had here in the Nihon, but none better than Meiji Chocolate Almonds.  The chocolate is so smooth and so thick around that almond... once you crack open that box, you're done for.  I could never get a pack of these to last more than maybe 2 days and that took a lot of willpower.  I also successfully got my mother and Karen addicted to these when they visited Japan last month and they've been on the hunt for them in the States ever since.  They definitely do sell them in Japanese grocery stores and I had my mom buy them any number of times, but somehow it wasn't until she had them in their native context that it all clicked.

Kit-Kats

Oh Kit-Kats, my old friend.  I have been eating these for as long as I can remember.  I used to think I was the only one who ate all the chocolate on the edges so as to expose the wafers in the middle, but apparently I am not special this way.  I actually bought knock-off, Japanese brand Kit-Kats as my giri choco for Valentine's Day, which is probably also why I was so insistent on having leftovers.

AND WHOEVER THOUGHT TO DO THIS WAS A FUCKING GENIUS.  I want this as my next birthday cake.  And this image also brings me to...

Reese's Pieces

I'm also a huge peanut butter fan, so there was no way in the world I wouldn't love these.  I also adore Peanut Butter Cups, but there's something about Reese's Pieces that I prefer.  It's probably because they are smaller and therefore I feel justified in eating more of them.  When I was working in my local movie theater as a teenager, the bag of Reese's Pieces was about the only candy you could buy that wasn't a complete rip-off.  Hence, I ate a lot of them.

Also in my travels around Google Image Search, I found this:

Peanut M & M's

I also love M&M's (again, the small size of each individual piece), and though I have a tough time deciding between plain and peanut, peanut almost always wins.  However, the image I have for my Gchat avatar is plain M&M's because I think they photograph a little bit better.

Russell Stovers/Whitman's Sampler

I ate a lot of these as a kid, and of course I was a jerk and went looking for the pieces I liked best.  I'm not as bad as Kelly, however, in taking a bite of everything and putting back those I don't want.  It's a good thing we didn't have one of these around when we were sharing an apartment because we might have come to blows and I would've lost.

Also, I can't think of these boxes of chocolates and not think of this:

You thought I was going to put Forrest Gump, didn't you?  Sure I enjoy that movie on a really superficial level, but if you know anything about me, it's that I'm a hardened cynic.

I've said this on Facebook already, but finding a website that streams all episode of The X-Files has really cut into my productivity.  

Godiva

Let's take a step up on the boxed-chocolate food chain.  I don't even know what my favorite truffle would be (likely anything with dark chocolate filling or caramel), but there is ever a box of these around me, it's immediately demolished.  Ask my mom about those truffle boxes she used to get from students when she was teaching at Christmas time. 

 Dove Chocolate

Fantastic dark chocolate, I highly recommend.  They also put out a lot of holiday-themed stuff, and this is the first thing I go looking for when I'm raiding the shelves after a holiday.  

And I can't talk about Dove without also mentioning this:

THERE IS A THICK LAYER OF GANACHE AT THE TOP BEFORE YOU GET TO THE ICE CREAM.  IT IS AMAZING.  Tina introduced me to this ice cream in college and I have pined for it ever since.  I don't go looking for it explicitly because I know if I found it, I'd buy out the entire stock.  This shit makes Ben & Jerry's look like nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle.  That is also an X-Files reference, but unfortunately no accompanying video :(

Speaking of ganache...

I LOVE YOU GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE.  Honestly has to be my favorite cake of all time.

How's about a couple more foreign imports?

Toblerone

I haven't had one of these in years.  The worst thing was when my high school Spanish club sold these as a part of a fundraiser (which is funny because they're Swiss) and I would end up buying at least one a day because I couldn't get enough.  I may or may not have been a little heavier back in the day.

Ferrero Roche

Anyone else remember these commercials?

Baci

One of the two things I ever took away from Italian class in high school.  Baci, or "kiss," always come with that fun little fortune that never makes any sense.

Did someone say chocolate and hazelnut together??  I cannot possible forget this:

 

Nutella

 This is the other thing I got out of high school Italian class: a love of Nutella.  I can't even buy this stuff because I just sit with a spoon and eat out of the jar.  

Mrs. Prindables

And now back in the ol' US of A we have Mrs. Prindables' chocolate-covered apples to give us cavities.  The off-brand versions of these are just as good and just as deadly.

Serendipity's Frozen Hot Chocolate

A New York classic.  I've only ever had one of these and I'm awaiting my next one.  I'm also waiting for John Cusack, but I think I stand a better chance of having  getting to the bottom of one of these again before he realizes we're meant to be.

And that's all she wrote.  But before I go, let's take a freaky trip down the Chocolate River:

Did I leave any of your favorite chocolates out?  Have any chocolates you want to recommend?  Are you one of those whackjobs that doesn't like chocolate at all and take issue with this entire list?  To the comments!

Parting, unrelated-to-chocolate gift: more Gene Wilder.

Clearly I also love Mel Brooks.