The Hungry Moga: Listen to Your Friend Billy Zane. He's a Cool Dude.

Don't let them lie to you: there isn't anything more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking.

If there's one thing that makes the drab, soggy January-March months more bearable is that it is awards season: all of the absurdly beautiful, insanely rich famous people come out in full force to pat each other on the back (or give a reach around ::insert inappropriate Jon Stewart gesture here::), drink some champagne, and sit in their chairs for 3-4 hours before hitting the after party circuit. I have to say, though, that this awards season has been pretty disappointing in that it has been so BORING. No one really good, and no one really bad: just a whole lot of mediocre. Fashion is my escapist fantasy from slumming it around my apartment in sweats and then going to school in clothes that have begun to wear thin (stipends don't generally leave much room for a clothes budget). I want drama! I want glitz! I want crazy people wearing crazy ass clothes! What gives?!

Anyway, the Oscars were last night and I really couldn't care less for who won (though the fact that Natalie Portman did for Black Swan - a middling movie at best - irks me to no end because I just don't think she's at all talented), but I've been tuned in all day for the red carpet photos. And since everyone loves easily digestible bits of snark in the form of a list I give you my favorites in a bunch of random categories I thought up for Oscars 2011.

Best Dressed

I love this L'Wren Scott so much, even despite the fact it goes against my frustrations with short-sleeved turtlenecks. It's the right color for her, the right cut, I adore the jewelry... just love love.

And shortly behind her, we have Mila Kunis. She has really been working the spotlight that's been cast on her due to Black Swan (and she was honestly way better than Portman was) and her fashion choices have been pretty impeccable all season. When in doubt, startlets go to Elie Saab to knock one out of the park. Also, referencing her character in Black Swan gives me a reason to post this gif:

Worst Dressed

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to begin. I thought for awhile maybe the color redeemed it a bit, but I've since changed my mind. When I first saw this, I did one of these:

Awww, Gizmo! The biggest crime here, though, is that it has made Scarjo, an otherwise knockout bombshell of a human being, look squished, dull and kind of depressing. It was much more amusing when Isaac Mizrahi took copped a feel on live TV.

Hostess with the Mostest

Anne Hathaway worked 8 outfit changes in her role as host of the Oscars, and she really did pitch a nearly perfect game with all of them. The only one I wasn't crazy about was that Valentino she had on on the red carpet. However, this Armani Prive is absolutely divine. I can't imagine how exhausting it must've been to change you dress and your HAIR that many times in the course of an evening. I have no idea how she did as host, but at least she brought it with the clothes.

But speaking of Valentino

Most Orange

I want a mikan!!

Always Hot No Matter What She Wears

This dress isn't the best thing Helen Mirren has ever worn (I think she would've done better without the sleeves), but I am not worthy enough to take issue with anything she does. I pray I am even 10% as hot as she is when I'm in my 60s.

And now I have an excuse to post my favorite skit from the Oscars in recent memory:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5JAPkvnyso (the link doesn't embed, but I promise it'll be worth your time to give it a click)

Most Disappointing

Nicole Kidman has been coming back on the red carpet in a big way this season and I really looked forward to seeing her at the Oscars. I thought she'd pull out all the stops. Did you see her at the Grammy's?? I really hoped she would top that. But I just don't know what happened here. Is her belly button a water fountain? Does she need a ledge on which to rest her drink? And more importantly: why did she have to be so disappointing that it's forcing me to make jokes like some lame fashion commentator?!? I HATE TALKING LIKE THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL I'M SO CONFUSED

I thought Cate Blanchett could never do any wrong, but now I feel like my world is spinning on its axis because this fundamental premise has been shaken. I should like this dress! It's daring! It's from the Givenchy 2011 couture collection I loved so much! And it's on Cate Blanchett! But ultimately, it just kind of looks weird, doesn't it? The color looks kind of washed out on her and there's a picture frame in the middle of her chest. What gives?!?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Oh Please Never Change

Fortunately there are a stock of characters in Hollywood that consistently bring their own brand of crazy to the red carpet and I am so thankful for them. Sharon Stone looks like the craziest drinking buddy you could ever have, and throw in Helena Bonham Carter and I wonder where exactly you might wake up the next morning (hint: some place AWESOME). You wear that beehive that looks like there might be some actual bees that would come out of it, Ms. Stone, and I would not be at all surprised if that were an actual Union Jack tattoo, Ms. Carter. You're perfect the way you are.

I am so sad that I can't include my lady Cher because she didn't turn up this year; she's been at a number of other award's ceremonies this season and I was hopeful she'd be at the Oscars doing what she does best: